If Only Forever
by shira syndrome
Summary: Childhood is a time for making memories, and Albedo has plenty. Some memories he wishes he could simply cut from the stream of time and keep separate, whole, and held dear.


Disclaimer: Xenosaga? Does not belong to me. QED.

30 kisses theme #12 - _in a good mood_

a/n: It's crazy, but the time stamp is telling me I started this theme over two whole frickin' years ago. LAWL. It had about 500 words back then, and being my usual self, I didn't leave notes over what I originally intended to do with it. So I just decided on a new direction. It's a little rough, but hopefully not too bad.

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**If Only Forever**

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Albedo thought it was a waste, all the time they spent playing games in her mind. At first, meeting Sakura Mizrahi was like being presented with a new trial, just more training before their father saw them fit to move to the next level. In those first few meetings, he'd never considered getting to know the girl beyond that. She was a task. She was a test with a pass/fail outcome. Right?

Or so he thought. But to his surprise, bit by bit, being told they were to dive into Sakura's subconscious became equivalent to saying 'play time'.

It was all Rubedo and Nigredo's fault, of course. And Sakura's too. Perhaps it was _all_ Sakura's fault in the first place, and if Albedo had been any good at self-honesty, he might have wondered if it were jealousy talking. He didn't know how it happened, but soon there was all this laughing coming from his twin, and Sakura looking forward to their visits, and calling them by name, and saying, "We could play cards like we did last time" or "I've never jump-roped with anyone before, I thought we could try" or "Rubedo, you're in a good mood!" And Nigredo's soft little smiles (Albedo never could figure out why Nigredo never seemed to want to laugh outright).

And Sakura's giggles. _Oh_, how they'd come to annoy him after all this time.

He didn't know what dive number they were at now. Surely Dr. Yuriev would be keeping track of every moment of contact between the U.R.T.V.s and Sakura, but Albedo was rather irritated by him too, since he never once frowned at all the play and idle activities. Had this been any other person, any other experience, maybe Albedo's opinion would have been reversed and he would have been glad their father wasn't stopping them. But this was Sakura, a giggling, strange girl that always seemed to have her eyes pinned on Rubedo. A boy and a girl that seemed to get more happy as soon as they saw each other.

It really pissed him off.

Today corn stalks whispered against his face and body as he brushed past, pelting through the unmanaged rows, kicking up mounds of warm dirt. Today was a race in the field around her house. Today Rubedo and Sakura were holding hands, and Albedo was almost glad he'd fallen so far behind he couldn't see them. Today he just wanted to go back to the Institute, or cover his ears, or make Nigredo _do something _like stop them!

Rubedo's voice bellowed up from the corn jungle somewhere ahead of him, sounding farther away from only minutes before. "Hey, you'd better hurry up, Albedo, or we're gonna leave you behind!" he sing-songed, and Albedo couldn't help but smile at the boyish laughter that drifted back to him. Happy and bright, that was Rubedo then. Albedo always loved those moods best...

Then he heard Sakura's giggle float up from the same area, and he cursed. Of course, of course.

Stupid. This was stupid. He _hated_ being here. Yes, he hated it!

They had better things to do than run around Mizrahi's imaginary backyard, wasting energy, wasting time. The sooner they cured her CNS deficiency, the sooner they could try the U-DO simulator, and the sooner...

(_and the sooner she was fixed and away from the Institute, the sooner Rubedo would go back to normal_)

He cursed again, came to a halt, and kicked bitterly at a thick stalk of corn. The base snapped and it fell to the ground, a cloud of soil settling along its pretty green husks. It look pathetic. He glared at it, and kicked it once more for good measure. He didn't want to play anymore! He wasn't going to! Let them do whatever they wanted! Wasn't like they cared whether he won or lost. Turning slowly, Albedo scanned the line of blue sky and corn above his head, over the horizon of opaque green and yellow corn. He couldn't hear any other noises besides the whine of bugs and the sound of his breath; the others were so far ahead of him, someone had probably reached the safe point by now. The first one to touch the old oak tree would win.

And then the game would be done, and they could go back. All he had to do was stop running and acting like he was actually playing and find his way out... Yeah, that was right. He would be the very last one, and be tired and cranky when he finally pushed through a row of corn and felt open air on his face. He'd pull his way out and there'd be Albedo and Sakura, and Nigredo off to the side, just standing there waiting. Nigredo would look blank, noncommittal, Sakura might just keep smiling her stupid, goofy smile, but Rubedo... Rubedo would look partly exasperated, like Albedo had ruined all of the fun. "What took you so long?" Rubedo would ask. Maybe he'd still be holding hands with Sakura.

"Nothing," Albedo would say, and it'd sound small and childish and petulant even to him.

Albedo would slowly walk up towards the three, growing more and more frustrated and angry when Rubedo and Sakura started going through their ridiculous farewells, and he would clench his fists and start glaring at them. Rubedo would glare back. They would have a fight back at the Institute--Rubedo would be quiet over dinner, or he'd be quiet during their whispered conversations right before bed, or he'd be quiet throughout both, just to punish Albedo, because Rubedo knew Albedo hated it when he was left out while Rubedo chatted happily with Nigredo, who would sit on Rubedo's other side. Every time Rubedo would be quiet with Albedo, and turn to talk with Nigredo, Albedo would get the back of his head as company. It always made Albedo want to cry.

Then when they went to sleep for the night, he would cry. On his side, maybe, where his tears would make his nose all sticky when gravity made them drip down onto his pillow. Or even face down, because when he muffled his hitched breaths in the pillow like that, he was half-suffocating himself. It made it hard to breathe. Made his chest seize all the more. Sometimes that felt good.

Albedo continued to stand there in the dirt row, just staring up at the sky. Yes, he'd cry that night. He could feel the urge already.

Sniffing, Albedo rubbed his knuckle against the corner of one eye, turning his gaze back to the ground. Now he had to find his way out of this _stupid_, _stupid_ field. He hated it! Next time they could run around in it all they liked, and he would sit out!

There were seven minutes of walking where Albedo was quite sure he was now lost, and the fantasies of sitting out of the game and glowering at the grass while the others made the corn stalks rustle grew more and more vibrant the longer he stayed lost. He wanted to cry out of frustration and fear now, not out of total envy as he would have at night. That made it worse somehow. He'd stumble out of the corn field crying, and he'd be made fun of. Rubedo would laugh that boyish laugh and Sakura would giggle that girlish giggle. And he'd be crying and smelling of musty old corn. Even when they jumped out, and the imaginary smells and sounds and sensations disappeared, he'd still be crying in his dive pod, and that would be the only real thing he was left with for the day.

At nine minutes, Albedo rammed the point of his toe into a mound of dirt, kicking angrily.

At eleven minutes a bunch of corn started to rustle near him, as he was sitting on the mangled mound of dirt, trying not to sniffle.

At eleven minutes and two seconds, Rubedo's red hair poked out of the green beside Albedo, followed by the blue and white of his uniform. Rubedo sighed, stretched, brushed his hands on his thighs. "I finally found you! What're you doing?" he asked, a laugh in his voice, and at eleven minutes and four seconds, Albedo had his forehead pressed to Rubedo's collar and had let out one sad, mewling sob.

Rubedo sat back beside him, one hand ruffling the hair on the back of Albedo's head. "Man, you really got yourself lost, where the hell were you going?" A sigh, not particularly exasperated nor sour. "This is why I keep telling you to stop closing your end of the link--it's like knocking on a wall sometimes. Jeez, Albedo. We're really late now." But he wasn't making much of an effort to move, and hadn't even pushed Albedo away like Albedo would have expected.

For his part, Albedo lifted his head up, enough to prop his chin on his twin's shoulder instead. Rubedo was... here. Just Rubedo, and not Sakura or Nigredo. This made his heart swell, like it was going to burst right there in his chest. He was here, with Albedo, not waiting impatiently somewhere else and ready to laugh at the tears on Albedo's face. "Sorry, Rubedo... Did you win?"

"Of course not! I had to give up and come look for you." Rubedo was rather competitive when it came to games of that sort, after all, and his put upon tone of voice only coalesced into an indignant squawk when Albedo promptly threw his arms around Rubedo and squeezed. "Hey, hey, stop that. Come on! Don't be such a baby, Albedo! Let go!"

He'd really come back for Albedo! This made the dark, bubbling distaste for Sakura's clingy behavior spike in excitement, like Albedo had tasted victory during some competition. A competition for Rubedo's attentions, maybe.

"If we... If we work together next time, we'll win. I promise," replied Albedo, looking up at his brother. It was a sly suggestion, delivered hesitantly but full of hopeful scheming. He'd play all day long if Rubedo agreed to be with _him_ next time they did so. It'd be a promise. Rubedo wouldn't forget, just as Albedo wouldn't let him forget, and they'd be together as a team. Even if it was another game with Sakura there...

If Rubedo would play with him, would laugh with him, Albedo would enjoy it.

Rubedo, in turn, just heaved a sigh, yanking at one of Albedo's arms. His blue eyes were just as cloudless and serene as the sky above them. "All right, you and me next time. We can make it a team contest or something. Okay? Now let go, or we'll never get out of here. I'm definitely not gonna rely on your sense of direction next time, though, that's for sure."

They got up, Albedo reluctantly relinquishing his hold, each brushing themselves off once again. Albedo was just reaching behind him to pat the stupid dirt off his butt when he felt a hand grab his, and he whipped his head around, dirt forgotten. Rubedo was holding hands with him, like he almost never did anymore, because Albedo was "too old" and it was "too babyish."

"You're lucky I'm in a good mood. I could've just leftcha," Rubedo teased, a warm smile on his face.

Albedo immediately beamed back. "You wouldn't! Right, Rubedo? Which way are we going?"

"Hell if I know. We all split up in different directions to look for you, so... Um, I think I came from this way."

"Then what do we do if we're all lost now? Nobody's back at the tree to give directions."

"... Yeah, that's a good point. Let's hope Nigredo isn't. Sakura can't talk to us through the link. If he is, then I guess we'll be out here for a while." Rubedo shrugged lazily, laughing, and Albedo could clearly see that his twin was caught up in the fun and all too carefree. Normally Rubedo would've thought things out more carefully, but Albedo had nothing to complain about--this was perfect.

If possible, Albedo's smile grew larger. He gave Rubedo's hand a squeeze. This was definitely perfect.

_You'd better stay lost for a while, Nigredo._


End file.
